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Joke of the Day

"[Baby trying to say first words] Baby: b..bu Me: cmon son Baby: bu..bu..s Wife: Yes sweetheart Baby: Bush did 9/11 Me[tearing up]: He knows"

"Nothing worse than, after sex, looking down and seeing that limp used Condom hanging off your dick... Particularly when you weren't wearing one when you started."

"Why did the woman cross the road? Never mind that, what the fuck is she doing out of the kitchen?"

"The biggest difference between mistletoe and camel toe is the length of the kiss."

"[driving test] INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns? ME: Volcanoes I: About the test? M: No I: Ok then let's go M: *drives into active volcano*"

"How do you confuse a blonde? Paint yourself green and throw forks at him/her!"

"I recently learned that the smell of fresh cut grass is the smell plants give if when under duress, and I like that smell... I guess this makes me a sado-*manicurist*"

"If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV."

"My corduroy pillow has been making headlines all week."

"You know what really gets my goat? The Chupacabra."