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Joke of the Day

"Txt my wife to ask if the gardener came & how 5yo's 1st day of school was. She txt back ""He's naked on the couch"". I'm afraid to ask who.."

"What happens when a soviet and a german have a child? I don't know but he can conquer poland really fast."

"Dad cooks a deer for dinner... And doesn't tell the kids what it is. He gives one clue ""it's what your mother calls me"". The little boy yells ""it's a fucking dick, DONT EAT IT!!"""

"Last night I went to a comedy and philosophy convention. Laughed more than I thought."

"I hope this Hurricane is a Joaquin the park ;)"

"A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It's like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes."

"How many terrorist does it take to change a light bulb? None, they just hold a knife to its throat and threaten to execute it if it doesn't change itself"

"Im never going to public bathrooms again Because last time i was there, shit went down"

"*coroner takes picture of my body after I'm brutally murdered* Me: delete it"

"A hot mess? No, thanks. Sounds sticky and uncomfortable. I prefer my messes like I prefer my revenge: cold and served to someone else."