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Joke of the Day

"I hate being bipolar. It's awesome"

"Wife: You're so lucky, I'm like a trophy wife! Me: Wow, I'd hate to see what they gave to the second place guy."

"Just a little poem for all the night owls up right now. Roses are red. Violets are blue. Go the fuck to sleep."

"I watched a bunch of people build a ship... It was riveting."

"How did Jack grow his portfolio? He invested in beanstocks!"

"What do you call a weak cup of tea? Subtlety."

"""Did you sign the nondisclosure agreement?"" ""To not disclose what?"" ""So I guess you DID sign the agreement!"""

"If this guy calls me ""sweetie"" one more time I SWEAR I'll continue to pleasantly smile and nod."

"Nobody in 1972 would have guessed that in 2014, Bill Cosby and Charles Manson would both be in the news, but Manson more favorably."

"How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? Look for the fresh prints"