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Joke of the Day

"*googles murder tips *adds ""asking for a friend"" at the end of each search They won't be able to prove a thing! *evil cackles"

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"Stranger: nice to meet you Me: give it time"
"It's been a great year, it fact, it was so great... I remember like it was yesterday."
"Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples."
"me: mom i like this person from twitter mom: TWITTER IS LIKE CRAIGSLIST YOU THINK YOURE BUYING USED BOWLING SHOES AND YOU WIND UP DEAD"
"""You spent hours slaving away in the kitchen yesterday. Relax. Let me sort out dinner today."" *Orders pizza"
"Russia's Three Steps to Homework Step 1. Putin it off Step 2. Stalin Step 3. Russian to finish"
"What did the lesbian vampire say to her girlfriend? See you next month!"
"What denomination are the coins in Super Mario Bros? They're dollar coins, because a quarter is two bits, which means a dollar is 8 bits."
"The last time we had a white Christmas, I made snow angels. I skidded on the ice and took out three pedestrians."