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Joke of the Day

"*sends back food because instagram down*"

"So I was at the bar the other night exchanging pleasantries with an attractive woman. She said she would like to read my palm... Okay! She takes my hand and asks... ""Do you come here often?"""

"If I got $1 every time somebody called me a racist I'd have tree fiddy"

"[Romeo and Juliet as turtles] ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath JULIET: I'm just stuck on my back R: we're turtles, Juliet"

"Fact: It is against league rules for an NFL player to own a pet duck. It's considered a personal fowl."

"I watch zombie movies to prepare myself if one day it really happens. Same for porn."

"Health care in this country is a disgrace. My doctor said run 3 miles a day for a month. I'm now completely lost & 90 miles away from home."

"Add a word to ruin a movie: - Batman Begins College - The Longest Yard Sale - Charlottes Web Cam."

"What do you call an aging actor who has finally paid off his house? Mortgage freeman."

"Q: How can you tell when Bill Clinton is lying? A: Only a Bill Clinton supporter is too dumb to know the answer to this one."