135946

Joke of the Day

"I had a dream where children were allowed to pick their parents, and I woke up thinking ""This is not The Gates' residence."""

"It's convenient for my password security needs that my mother's maiden name is Waffles4%"

"Someone recently discovered the mathematical formula underpinning every Beatles song ever! She got the Strawberry Fields Medal."

"I'm guessing that most people who claim to ""count calories"" are really bad at math."

"You have the right to remain silent because whatever you say will probably be stupid anyway."

"Therapist: How's your narcissism? Much better I thin...*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!"""

"Mom, am I ugly? ""Of course not, honey. You have everything a man wants, a deep voice, broad shoulders, facial hair..."""

"Only in SF: people checking into the riot on Foursquare."

"What was Hiroshima's code name in World War 2? Target Practice."

"You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it date an emotionally available, age-appropriate, nice, single guy with a good job."