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Joke of the Day

"My Gran just asked me ""What's the name of that God-damn Jew who keeps hiding stuff around my house!?"" It's Alzheimer, grandma. Alzheimer."

"Remember, I'm always here if you need shoulders for your ankles to lie on."

"Snail Boss: under skills you've put 'quick reflexes' Snail: [2 hours later] that's right SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?"

"Two guys are drinking in a bar... One says to the other, ""Did you know that elks have sex 10 to 15 times a day?"" ""Aww, shit!"" says his friend, ""and I just joined the Knights of Columbus!"""

"She's marrying HIM?! TODAY?! *cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*"

"Why was a missile looking for a job? Because it got fired!"

"A man gets pulled over for speeding. The cop comes to the driver's window, takes a few sniffs and says ""Sir, have you been drinking?"" The driver says ""I SWEAR TO DRUNK, I'M NOT GOD!"""

"I bet Yoda was pretty hot before he turned into an old Asian lady."

"The rain is pounding so hard I'm kind of jealous."

"What's the difference between a Pakistani wedding party and an Al-Qaeda training camp? Dunno, I just fly the drone."