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Joke of the Day
"When Gwen Stefani goes to Hawaii I bet she aint no mahaloback girl either."
Next Joke
"[job interview] ""What's your greatest weakness?"" Alcohol ""Umm ok, how about strengths?"" *pouring him a shot* Sharing"
"I hear voices in my head sometimes. I just ignore them and keep killing people."
"I used to watch lots of Bruce Willis movies, but now I don't. I guess old habits Die Hard. ^Someone ^please ^slap ^me. ^EDIT: ^Even ^better, ^this ^was ^a ^shower ^thought ^too..."
"Are you from Iraq? Because I wanna see you Baghdad ass up"
"When I ""rage against the machine"" the machine is usually a printer."
"Tornado warnings outside. Good thing I got drunk enough to fight a tornado or else we'd be screwed."
"What do you call it when a red head gets a tooth infection? Gingervitus."
"How many cops does it take to change a light bulb? None, they just shoot the room for being dark."
"FUN FACT: If every human on Earth was laid out end to end... ...there would be no one left to measure how far it went.   ^^credit ^^to ^^@meganamram ^^on ^^Twitter"