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Joke of the Day

"Today is the 20th anniversary of the genocide in Rwanda, but first... let me take a selfie."

"Sean Connery was an excellent carpenter. he even wrote a book... ""Shelf help."""

"turn-ons: eye contact people who pay attention to me people who know how to push my buttons oh god im a television how did this h"

"What is everyone using to scrape ice off their windscreen? This morning I used a discount card from my wallet, but it was no good. I only got 20% off.....!!"

"My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house."

"You lost me at ""my psychic said.."""

"Why can't puns be explained to kleptomaniacs? Because they always take things literally"

"Please join me. My daughter an I did this for hours one day. Zombie phlebotomist, veinnnnns. Zombie engineer, traaaaiiins. Zombie Dixie Chicks fan, Natalie Maiiiinns."

"I'm the last one on Earth... My diet is now peanut butter, honey please come back."

"A toast! Had to throw away my toaster because it kept burning my toast. I guess you could say I'm black toast intolerant."