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Joke of the Day

"Twilight is like soccer. They run around for 2 hours, nobody scores, and its millions of fans insist you just don't understand."

"Car alarms would be a lot more effective if they sounded like two people fighting. I'd peak out my window for that."

"Imagine if people still used typewriters! We'd have to sit in a giant circle and throw pieces of paper at each other."

"so embarrassing when u think u nailed the big interview and it turns out he was interviewing the guy behind u the whole time"

"What does a cannibal do after he dumps his girlfriend? Wipes."

"Every store should have one line for people who have their shit together."

"What do you get when you cross an English bulldog and a Shih Tzu? A bull-shiht!"

"Men are like chocolate bars. Sweet smooth and they usually head right for your hips."

"How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. They just beat the room for being black."

"How do you agitate an achy feminist runner? massage a knee"