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Joke of the Day

"What type of bagel can fly? A plain bagel"

"Do you believe in God? ""Do you believe in God?"" ""Of course! There's only one J.C. for me!"" AND HIS NAME IS JOHN CENA!!!! !!!"

"I think one of my dads might be gay"

"Guy behind me in line at the gas station was standing close enough to reenact the pottery scene from ghost."

"What's the hardest part of eating a vegetable? Making the decision to turn off life support."

"[at my dad's funeral after he drowns] ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It's what he would have wanted..."

"I noticed you're eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time. So how many people have you murdered?"

"Word of the day: exhaustipated. Too tired to give a shit."

"MY DENTIST ASKED HIS ASSISTANT TO SUCTION (THE WATER OUT OF MY MOUTH)BUT I THOUGHT HE WAS TALKING TO ME SO I SUCKED HIS FINGER. IM MORTIFIED"

"I use a wheelchair. Whenever I'm at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, ""Stairs""."