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Joke of the Day

"Why did I join Twitter? Well I was sick of only being hated by coworkers and family so I wanted to branch out."

"Sure I'll send you a shirtless selfie. Just let me work out for 6 months real quick."

"Why don't bald guys with beards just walk upside down?"

"Where can a burger get a great night's sleep? On a bed of lettuce!"

"ME: I'll sleep on it. MATTRESS SALESMAN: Ok. ME: So wrap it up. I'd like to sleep on it tonight. MATTRESS SALESMAN: Oh, you want the... ok."

"Nothing screams passive agressive quite like letting your spouse sleep in, while also letting the kids play loudly outside the bedroom door"

"wife: What's wrong? me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn't give me any brown crayons] Nothing"

"My friend was trying to annoy me with bird puns Well, toucan play at that game"

"You have the face of a saint. Which one? Saint Bernard."

"Age and sport Men at 26 plays football, Men at 40 plays tennis, Men at 60 plays golf, have you noticed every time you get older your ball gets smaller"