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Joke of the Day

"Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police! Her: Calm down, where are they now? Me: Still ringing the doorbell"

"Sorry I'm late, guys. SOMEbody.. *gestures at wife* told me this knife fight started at.. *sees everyone holding guns* FANtastic, Ellen"

"Why are african americans so good at sports? Because of hard work and dedication."

"A man is having trouble in bed, so he goes to the doctor. The doctor tells him he's going to need to stop masturbating. ""Why?"" the man asks. ""So I can examine you"", the doctor replies."

"Be great if just once the winning actor was like ""I mean it wasn't a particularly strong group this year, but still."""

"Money can buy happiness. Give me 100 million dollars and I'll prove it to you."

"Son, I'm not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist."

"When is a mass shooting not a mass shooting? When it involves energy, because energy had no mass."

"I'm on hold. My call is important to them."

"I've run over seven Koalas and one platypus with my car today and I haven't even left the city yet. Australia's dangerous like that."