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Joke of the Day

"The second grader was in bed with a cold and high temperature. 'How high is it Doctor?' she wanted to know. 'One hundred and three' said the doctor. 'What is the world record?'"

"I'm stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up."

"Those Weren't Raisinets: A Mouse Tale"

"What do you call Quicksilver when he's duct taping people's mouths? A running gag."

"What's the best part of finger banging a gypsy on her period? You get your palm red for free."

"WINSTON CHURCHILL: ""The only thing we have to fear is fear itself."" ONE-LEGGED MAN WHO BARELY SURVIVED A SHARK ATTACK: ""Yeah... and sharks"""

"Customer: How come the Board of Health hasn't come in and closed you up? Waiter: They're afraid to eat here."

"What do you call a snake that's exactly 3.14 meters long? A thon"

"I cooked a live Lobster in the microwave and now I have a giant mutant lobster in my living room demanding to watch The Little Mermaid."

"""If all your friends jumped"" 'Yes' ""But if they"" 'Yes' ""But"" 'IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I'M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?"