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Joke of the Day

"Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for. nnNow, I don't even walk into the right room"

"Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though."

"I wanted to become a dictator... but I was only partially qualified."

"I bet when scientists throw office parties, there's always the one guy who gets drunk and carbon dates his own butt."

"I like my women like I like my Building 7. Going down for no reason. That's a conspiracy reference that 9 out of 11 people don't get. It's an inside joke."

"Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed."

"Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a ""cornbed"" so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me"

"I asked a friend of mine who cheats on his spouse how he sleeps at night. He responded ""With your wife, John"""

"If I ever got into the plastic surgery business I would call my company ""Breast Buy""."

"Every time I meet someone new, my girlfriend gets a slap across the face. I really need to stop high-fiving people."