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Joke of the Day

"Being a parent is the opposite of the Jenny Craig diet. ""I gained 20lbs & all I did was eat small portions of my toddlers leftover dinner."""

"Where do you take a sick wasp? To waspital."

"What do you call nuts on your wall? Walnuts. What do you call nuts on your chest? Chestnuts. What do you call nuts on your chin? Dick in your mouth."

"I hold the U.S. indoor record for waiting in the house until my neighbors go back inside."

"I went to a Native American barber, but I wouldn't recommend him. I got an uneven haircut, and Apache shave."

"I knew the psychic was a fraud the second she accepted my check"

"When doesn't a telephone work underwater? When it's wringing wet!"

"I bet everyone in Gotham prisons really hates the guy that killed Bruce Wayne's parents."

"Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don't they rotate enough while the car is moving? Mechanic: Omg you're right! What a scam. I truly apologize."

"What does the electron say to the resistor? Ohm my god you're impeding me. *initiate knee slap"