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Joke of the Day

"What is an assassin's favorite element? What is an assassin's favorite elem- Surprise! (it is much better when spoken, but I'm proud of it)"

"Why did the cow get a divorce? Because she couldn't take her husbands bullshit."

"My grandfather was diagnosed with Alzheimer's and Severe Dandruff... He's been really flaky lately."

"Woman: Please send an ambulance, I'm having contradictions!! Operator: Ma'am, do you mean 'contractions'? Woman: Yes! No!"

"I dream to live in a world where I can politely get out of plans by saying, ""I'm so sorry, but I just remembered I don't want to"""

"Who can suck off every man on earth? A black hoe."

"My bank is really proud of me. They keep calling to tell me I have an outstanding balance."

"YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe. ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear"

"How do you know when a hiptser is a good secret agent? You've never heard of him."

"Ugh, I am swamped at work today. *stares at puppies on the Internet for 3 hours"