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Joke of the Day

"If you've never tried to use ""the force"" to get a an out-of-reach remote control, you're probably not as lazy as me."

"What are some of the perks of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag's a big plus."

"You can't boss me around until you're older than the whiskey I drink. -subtweet to my GF"

"What symphony is a pedophiles favorite? Mozart's magic flute in A minor."

"What do a Tupperware designer and a horny walrus have in common? They're both looking for a tight seal."

"My son, who is 10, just explained that the things he did when he was 7 no longer reflect the person that he is now. I need a drink."

"What do the French call a bad Thursday? A tra-jeudi."

"Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!"

"OK it's like sure, I've MURDERED before. Big deal. Sue me. It's not like I'm a MURDERER or anything. I only do it socially."

"I deliver jokes the same way UPS delivers packages... ...mangled and missing the most important parts."