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Joke of the Day

"Never remove the shells from racing snails it makes them sluggish"

"House Painter I was a house painter for five years, I never thought I was going to get that house painted."

"Did you hear about the man who had purple paint thrown all over him? He was violeted"

"Teacher: What is the formula for water ? George: HIJKLMNO Teacher: Is that the formula I gave you ? George: Sure you said H to O !"

"My ex-wife's a whore! I'm sorry, I really shouldn't be so mean about my ex-wife. I love my ex-wife. The problem is; is that for twenty five bucks everybody else could too!"

"Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars."

"How are Oscar the Grouch and the Olympic Diving Pools in Rio de Janeiro similar? They're both green, smell like farts, and will stay that way for 47 years."

"*makes sandwich* *sits down to eat it* *sees dog staring at me* *rips off small piece* *gives her the rest*"

"The most annoying thing about being a necrophiliac... Is that your girlfriend never returns your calls."

"I was making a graph of my past relationships. First I drew the Ex axis then the Why axis. Full disclosure: I saw this in yik yak thought is share it here. :)"