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Joke of the Day

"Procrastination is like masturbation... ... it feels good while you're doing it, but you're only fucking yourself."

"Why did the fatty cross the road? Because the free pizza wouldn't"

"GOD: Let's give her ALL the awesome. ""But what if it's TOO much awesome?"" GOD: Then we'll divide it evenly between multiple personalities."

"Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor) Me: Mmm, this tastes good. Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!"

"Just added Paul Walker on xbox, Shame he's always on the dashboard tho."

"If you want to fool a Canadian into thinking you're also a Canadian, you only have to say one word. . . Chur-on-no"

"Why do lesbians shop at Sport's Authority? Because they don't like Dick's."

"My sex life is like finding a parking spot in town. All the good ones are taken, so sometimes when no one is looking I have to stick it into disabled one."

"""Hey kids, you like candy?"" I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time."

"My friend told me his wife talks a lot in her sleep ""I know"" was probably not the right answer"