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Joke of the Day

"Shout out to amphibians. Swimmin' swimmin' swimmin' then BAM! walkin' walkin' walkin'"

"I trust J.D. Power, but not his shifty ""Associates"""

"*speed dating* I'm a competitive eater! Date: Are you any good? [grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask"

"What do you call lonely cheese? Prov-alone"

"The divorce rate among my socks is astonishing"

"My wife and I couldn't have a baby so we decided to go to an adoption agency. I was so excited while I was in there. It made me happy to think that I could finally take off the baby on board sticker."

"I eat slowly, so I can't ever live in Moscow. Everyone's Russian there."

"An ice cream truck flips over on the highway, what does it leave? A Rocky Road"

"""Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin' awesome."" - Pew Pew Pew Research Center"

"I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work."