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Joke of the Day

"*speed dating* I'm a competitive eater! Date: Are you any good? [grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask"

"Open letter to the mods of /r/jokes C"

"Tips for Guys on Valentine's Day: Tell your girl you already got something and make her guess. She'll automatically list things she want."

"Why did the wine critic get kicked off the nudist beach? Because he was wandering around with a semillon. (best when read out loud)"

"What do you call the sweat on the bodies of two people having sex in West Virginia? Relative Humidity"

"Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom."

"RUSSELL: I told you that cheese wasn't for you ME: [bitterly, mousetraps on both hands] Nothing's ever for me, is it Russell"

"The price of Helium is rising... Inflation sucks."

"Why was the lobster upset? Because he found out his friends thought he was a little crabby!"

"I'm at the phase of Christmas where I'm looking at stuff in my house and going ""I could just wrap that."""