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Joke of the Day

"""evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window"" - me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted"

"they say that if you play nickelback backwards, it's devil worship... But even worse, if you play it forwards it's nickelback"

"""Get me another beer, boy"" ""Dad I'm an adult. My name's Bobby"" ""It's time you knew the truth boy. The 2nd & 3rd B's in your name are silent"""

"There are few things in life as pure and true as a grilled cheese sandwich."

"1. have a child 2. never mention it on facebook 3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos"

"How many suh dudes does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, it's already lit hahaha asuhhhh dude"

"you know how in movies the women always wake up with hair and makeup already done? I wake up like that but with a top hat&full tuxedo"

"How many hairs are in a dog's tail? None. They are all on the outside."

"two guys walk into a bar. The 3rd one ducks"

"Telescopes probably use mirrors which means there is absolutely no way to know how many vampires there are in space."