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Joke of the Day

"""Follow your dreams!"" - someone born into money"

"POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird."

"I asked my secret crush if she wanted to invest in my new invention idea, chloroform kleenex. She decided to sleep on it...at my place."

"I was looking at a cup of Earl Grey that always replenishes itself.. It was like staring into infinitea."

"(First date) Me: Don't let her know you're a satanist Her: So what do you do for fun? Me: WHATEVER THE DARK LORD COMMANDS"

"Her: I'd take a bullet for you. Me: How soon can you do that?"

"I've just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I'm on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie."

"What's the worst part about dating a French horn player? Whenever you kiss, they shove their fist up your ass."

"I guess i have a nice butt Because everytime i walk away from a conversation i hear, "" what an ass ""."

"My analogies are like vacuums.... They suck."