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Joke of the Day

"[speaking at an AA meeting] Me: You'll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding *everyone cheers*"

"Need a punchline. And.... Go! http://i.imgur.com/t57uK.jpg"

"How to make a grown man cry. Take him shopping with you."

"Wife: Have u done anything today? Me: Rode my bike on the back tire down the street Wife: Wheelie? Me: Yes, really, and cut the baby talk"

"Why did the chicken cross the road, roll around in mud, and cross again after being caught by the mafia? Because he was a dirty double crosser."

"[moses parts sea] Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids Moses: thats my only trick"

"""Get off the phone"" ""Wash your hands"" ""Pull up your pants"" ""Make me dinner"" My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household"

"""who can I count on to volunteer for this project?"" *slumps out of chair and slowly army crawls out of conference room*"

"Roses are expensive... Violets are gay... Poems are for pussies... Have a nice day..."

"What city loves to eat sandwiches? Koldcutta"