185845

Joke of the Day

"""Get off the phone"" ""Wash your hands"" ""Pull up your pants"" ""Make me dinner"" My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household"

"[Spanish w/ translation] Cual es es la risa mas picante? Ahi Ahi Ahi Translation: What is the spiciest laugh? Pepper pepper pepper"

"[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left"

"Im so proud of one of my friends that happens to be a gay midget. He just came out of the cabinet."

"[first date] ME: one of my biggest pet peeves is people who think the world revolves around them MY DATE, WHO IS THE SUN: i see"

"Why does Beyonce sing ""To the left, to the left""? Because black people have no rights."

"Your stick figure family window sticker promotes an unrealistic and unhealthy body image for your children."

"The best thing about smartphones is that you don't have to refold maps anymore."

"How is Microsoft like Bob Marley? I do updates before I do updates. And then I do updates."

"How do you wake up Lady Gaga? Poke her face."