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Joke of the Day

"How many Redditors does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One + all... One to screw in the lightbulb, the rest just bitch that it is a repost."

"Why do people smile in Africa? So they won't run into each other in the dark."

"Did you know Zimbabwe loves the rapper 50 Cent? Or as he's known there, 400 billion dollars."

"You can't make everyone happy. You aren't a jar of Nutella."

"[courtroom, on witness stand] Prosecuting attny: If you think she's poisoning you, why did you eat it? Me: It was pizza [jury nods, murmurs]"

"How many pixies does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two, but don't ask me how they got in there."

"Open an ice cream shop with flavors like ""don't be sad,"" ""they're not worth it,"" ""you deserve better"" and see if people don't flock right in"

"When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I'm with what I want to eat, I respond ""Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me."""

"What's the most common time to see the dentist? Two Thirty."

"""Can you cook dinner tonight?"" Can't. New meds say I can't operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn't look light"