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Joke of the Day

"""Can you cook dinner tonight?"" Can't. New meds say I can't operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn't look light"

"My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It's amazing how fast the super powers kick in."

"I live in a hutch filled with vibrating cedar chips"

"Ronda Rousey Acting"

"My girlfriend is amazing, she is a Chinese food chef So shes very Lo Mein-tenance"

"What is Gordon Ramsay's favourite film? It's fucking Frozen."

"CASHIER: is there anything else I can help you with? ME: *pulls out my trigonometry homework from 1995* yes, yes there is"

"Maybe don't name your musical ""Rent"" if you don't even have songs that discuss real estate or leasing procedures. 0/10, very disappointing."

"Mad Cow Disease Q: Why do cows get the mad cow disease? A: Anyone would go mad if someone squeezes your tits four times a day, but only let you have sex once an year!"

"Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony."