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Joke of the Day

"""Can you cook dinner tonight?"" Can't. New meds say I can't operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn't look light"

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"The University of Alabama is the only place... where Ancestry.com and eHarmony are one and the same."
"What kind of pants does mario wear? DENIM DENIM DENIM"
"Q: What kind of dog does a dracula like? - A: A Bloodhound."
"Why did jay z cross the road? Because mr mantis ate my skunk food."
"Why do vultures find it easy to fly? They only ever have carrion baggage."
"How did the girl end up with ninja jizz on her face? she didn't see him coming"
"If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on. In related news, I just broke up with my mom"
"""Hey, wait"" - African children watching Gatorade get dumped on a winning coach"
"Great pickup line... You:Hey, do you have a Memory foam mattress? Her: Yes. You: Wanna Traumatize it?"