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Joke of the Day

"How do I explain to this bank teller than I'm just robbing her and not the bank?"

"Having dinner last night, my six-year-old turned to me and said, 'Dad, when I grow up, I'm gonna marry you.' We laughed about it. Then my wife said, 'Don't make the same mistake I did.'"

"White lies are fine. Don't tell a black lie though. Black lies matter."

"What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? a Lickalotopuss"

"I used to wonder... ...why golf tournaments aren't called Stroke-Offs Then I turned 12."

"Conspiracy theory for conspiracy theorists: Your conspiracy theories were planted by the government to distract you from real conspiracies."

"I told my mate that I couldn't make his wedding as I'm going to a brothel. ""You fucking arsehole"" he said. ""Depends how much money I have""."

"Friends with an ex? I don't even want to be friends with my friends."

"Guess what I'm going to do if I get Alzheimer's?"

"I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb... that way if I ever get fat, at least I'll have nice color."