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Joke of the Day

"Last year i was miserable and depressed, But this year I've turned it around, I'm depressed and miserable"

"Who teaches you how to fart? A tutor."

"No one on Twitter ever quotes me properly. I'm so mis-tweeted."

"On Sunday's I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it's not working & I own their soul."

"If you think my tweets are bad, you should see my choice in men."

"Q: Why are orchestra intermissions only twenty minutes long? A: So the violists don't need to be retrained."

"Some guys beat me up with brass knuckles in broad daylight. It was a pretty brazen act of violence."

"When a man signals a woman to walk in front & says, ""Ladies first"" it really means ""Go ahead. I'll stand back & watch how your ass walks."""

"What do an elephant and a Porsche 911 have in common? They both have their trunks in the front."

"My sister was gangraped by the New York Philharmonic It was orchestrated."