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Joke of the Day

"Kidnapper: Pay up or I'll leak your nudes Me: So what? K: Then I'll tweet your drafts M: Ok don't do anything crazy we can work this out"

"A monk killed a man before going into fasting... It was a premeditated homocide"

"My friend called me cheesy I said ""don't Brie so mad, its all Goud-a"""

"My fiance, feeling a bit under the weather, just blurted out this knee-slapper at 3AM... Why does Bill Nye get sleepy after writing calligraphy? Because of the Nye Quill."

"how many American cops does it take to change a lightbulb? None, they just shoot the room for being black"

"I stuffed my mom last night. I know you're thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that's gross but jokes on you I'm a taxidermist"

"Going on the Obama diet... Putin will eat my lunch everyday..."

"Can America keep it down? Canada needs to work on Monday."

"If the world's fate ever hangs on my mom opening a picture mail on her phone in under ten minutes, we are all doomed."

"I'm dating a feminist historian Not to brag, but I am -*really*- good in bed. She thinks I've been fucking her for thousands of years."