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Joke of the Day

"What if... ... in like 30 years they made a film about Leonardo DiCraprio and how he never won an Oscar...and the actor who played him got an Oscar."

"People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date: 1) out in the open 2) where I last left it"

"Why did the walrus go to the tupperware party? To find a tight seal"

"I genuinely don't remember making you all this stupid."

"What's a comedian's favorite candy? Laffy Taffy."

"What's the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit? (NSFW) At least a zit waits you're a teenage boy before it cums on your face."

"Who was the fattest Pharaoh of ancient Egypt? Hippo-Ptolemy"

"No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I'll just hang out with my toddler."

"Man, the frappes at the grinder place by the rotary are wicked good. Go Sox! Sorry about that. I had 2 Boston Kreme donuts this morning."

"At the end of your life, you should get a rebate for however much time you spent learning cursive."