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Joke of the Day

"sure mugger, run away with my purse holding half used lipstick, 1 tampon, maxed out credit cards n negative bank card. whos laughing now?"

"Every girl has 3 guys in her life: one she loves, one she hates, and the one she can't live without. But in the end, it's the same guy!"

"What's the difference between a Jew and Harry Potter? One of them left the chamber alive."

"Cheated on Twitter with my real life today."

"What do you call a C-average student from Texas? Mr. President"

"If someone peed on me during sex, I'd be like, ""Ha! I've read about this!"""

"[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I'll only have to tell my mom 'I love her' for them] Cashier: that'll be $5,364.32 Me: shit"

"A teacher walks into a bar Guy: can I buy you a drink? Teacher: I don't know, CAN you?"

"Operator: 911 Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do? O: Relax sir, is this her first born? Me: No, this is her husband."

"What did Hitler do wrong? He didn't finish."