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Joke of the Day

"Cheated on Twitter with my real life today."

"*navigation voice* BEAR TO THE RIGHT *gets eaten by bear*"

"Where does Wonder Woman buy all her stuff? Amazon."

"""I'm sorry, it's just who I am."" = ""I am a giant asshole and have no plans of improving myself as a human."""

"Hey girl, are you a compressed file? 'cause I wanna unzip you and open you up."

"Do you know why Bill Cosby likes Jam more than he likes Jelly? Because he can't jelly his dick in someone."

"Where did Stephen Hawking find his wife The vegetable isle"

"When I'm pushing the twins in the pram and someone asks me if they're mine I say 'no, they're for my collection' and run as fast as I can"

"Did you hear about the blind guy who got in a car accident? He regained his sight in ICU."

"I'm doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door."