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Joke of the Day

"Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still."

"When I remember trees are alive I like to picture their brain is the roots and the trunk and branches are its legs dangling into the sky."

"What did the duck say to the chicken who was about to cross the road? quack"

"[NSFW] Dad, I am a lesbian 1st Daughter:""Dad, I am a lesbian"" Dad; ""Oh okay!"" 2nd Daughter: ""I'm a lesbian too..."" Dad: ""Jesus Christ, does any one in this family love dicks?"" Son: ""I do."""

"Just got a call from the wife saying she'd broken the wing mirror. Just got a call from the wife saying she'd broken the wing mirror. I asked ""How the hell did you do that""? ""The car rolled on it""."

"Getting caught I got caught jacking off at the store yesterday. But seriously, who pays for bug spray?"

"What do you call ravens trying to marry crows. Conspiracy to commit murder."

"Which burger is famous for a long nose? Cyrano de Burgerac!"

"People say women can do everything men can do. Have women ever successfully oppressed an entire gender?"

"I saw Bill Cosby at the bar last night... He asked me if I needed any sugar for my Long Island iced tea."