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Joke of the Day

"Just got a call from the wife saying she'd broken the wing mirror. Just got a call from the wife saying she'd broken the wing mirror. I asked ""How the hell did you do that""? ""The car rolled on it""."

"We were promised flying cars and instead all we got were magic glowing rectangles to access all the world's knowledge :("

"Ignorance is only bliss until you wish you knew the answer"

"""Be there in 5,"" I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor."

"I fed the cows marijuana. The steaks have never been higher."

"I hate it when people ask me what I'll be doing in 5 years.... I don't have 2020 vision."

"What do Dwarfs and Midgets have in common? very little"

"Why did the sperm cross the road? Because I put the wrong sock on this morning."

"Just saw a homeless woman try to use a cat as a telephone. She accepted a cigarette in exchange for the cat. Cat is my telephone now."

"A soft drink is just a drink that needs a minute. Just give it a minute, this has never happened to it before."