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Joke of the Day

"ME: who's a good boy *kissy noises* DOG: I just murdered the cat ME: you are, yes you are *rubs dog's head* DOG: you're next buddy"

"I sooo did not want to go on a run today but those cops came out of nowhere."

"Some coworkers sign emails with ""cheers"" or ""sincerely"" followed by their names but I typically use ""you've made a powerful enemy today."""

"What do you call a whale with erectile dysfunction? Mopey Dick."

"My new thesaurus is terrible. Not only that but it's also terrible."

"The most judgmental aquatic mammal is probably the seal of disapproval."

"Chuck Norris doesn't step on toes. Chuck Norris steps on necks."

"Tomorrow is April Fools Day. Believe nothing, and trust no one. ""So it's like any other day."""

"Why did Medusa have to take sexual harassment training? Because she wouldn't stop objectifying people."

"I used to date an anaesthetist... She was a local girl. [credit to seeing this on QI]"