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Joke of the Day

"I do not need to have a threesome... ... if I want to disappoint two people at once, I go to dinner with my parents."

"Why is it so hard to find Thor's brother? Because he stays low key"

"What does a little sister ride? A Nissan."

"1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater"

"6.9 is worse than 69 because... it's interrupted by a period."

"[waiting with friend for his test results] ""I'm nervous"" I'm sure you're fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*"

"I really hope everything we know about Zombies is accurate because if they're smart I'm going to need a Plan B."

"An Englisman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The barman says ""What is this, some kind of a joke?"

"BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES"

"Which rappers had a flow that could simultaneously speed up and slow down at the same time? MC Escher"