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Joke of the Day

"3 y/o: I want a bagel Me: We don't have any 3 y/o: You're a idiot Me: How did you survive your abortion"

"*on a first date* Me: [remembering how my friend said women like mysterious men] my favorite color is a secret"

"How do you get holy water You boil the hell out of it"

"[ignores the worlds evils] Oh wow this is a lot easier"

"I got silver for cheating on my wife. I'm always medalling in affairs."

"I just read the ""100 things to do before you die"" list.... I'm kinda surprised that ""call 911"" didn't make the cut."

"Say what you want about pedophiles! At least they slow down in school zones."

"Friends and family are like butt cheeks... Shit seperates them but, they always come back together in the end."

"I have a midget friend... He's epileptic and makes pizzas for a living. I call him ""Little Seizures""."

"Why did the computer programmer put his brownies back in the oven? They were too GUI."