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Joke of the Day

"What did the woman say to her husband who constantly turns the heater up way too high? ""This is why we can't have ice things!"""

"Her: You into S&M. Him: Sure. Her: Good. *ties him to bed post* Him: Oh yeah. Her: Ready...? Him: Torture me! Her: *plays Nickelback*"

"I always thought air was free Until I bought a bag of chips."

"[date] HER: Any hobbies? ME: I collect old comics HER: Oh! Like 1st editions? ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure"

"What does a fish say when it hits a wall? Dam"

"Not all of the weird sexual stuff you hear about is as good as it's cracked up to be... I mean you can tell me how great autoerotic asphyxiation is till you're blue in the face."

"Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all."

"Rectum.. ...damn near killed 'em!"

"My pot accidentally got mixed in with my pasta noodles. Ended up with baked ziti."

"My friend died today... He wasn't able to speak, but in his dying moments he wanted me to have his EpiPen. I'll cherish it forever."