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Joke of the Day

"My friend Mark called me pretentious so I slapped him with my silk handkerchief."

"What's the difference between Ann Coulter and shooting arrows at lovers? Shooting arrows at lovers is a Cupid stunt."

"I met Jay-Z in '09 and he said ""Meet my fiance, Beyonce"" and I was like ""That rhymes, you should rap!"" and we laughed and he sold me crack."

"Sometimes, you have to realize that some people can stay in your heart, but not in your life."

"1 Direction. More like 0.8 Direction."

"So the woman sitting next to me on a plane with an infant in her lap looks over to me and asks, ""do you mind if I breast feed?"" And I respond, ""no thanks I already ate."" Too harsh of a dad joke?"

"Tweeting angrily about issues does nothing. If you really want to make a difference, you have to get out there and sign an online petition."

"POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR! What's the magic word? [Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]"

"Yoda: Why, afraid of seven, five is? Because six seven eight."

"My liver's so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it's family very proud. Weren't expecting that, huh? Racist."