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Joke of the Day

"Said Helvetica Narrow to Helvetica Bold: ""Hey, you're just my type."""

"OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM"

"For some reason my dad thinks I'm a private investigator. He keeps calling me a dick."

"Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit."

"I never feel entirely comfortable leaving a music gig... It's disconcerting."

"Next time you're swallowed by a whale, stand up through the blowhole like it's a sunroof on a limo. Throw your arms up. Have some fun!"

"What do you call a spouse of 30 years? A stalemate."

"[whole foods] WHITE GIRL: excus me do u hav pumpkin EMPLOYEE: (hands her a pumpkin) here WHITE GIRL: no no no. PUMPKIN. its a type of spice"

"I understand if you aren't religious, I respect that. But you don't have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice."

"What would Bill Nye be called if he spoke to ghosts? Bill Nye the Seance guy."