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Joke of the Day

"What do you call a spouse of 30 years? A stalemate."

"I've been on a diet for a month and I've lost exactly 4 weeks."

"What do r/jokes subscribers and Catholic priests have in common? Both think the shorter the better."

"""It's a bird! It's a plane!"" - my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit."

"What did the scientist say when he found 2 isotopes of Helium? HeHe"

"i want a segway so i can ride my segway away from my problems"

"How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded? You don't have to be very good to get people's attention."

"Hubs and I have fought so much lately I've lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I'd like to lose another 10 lbs first."

"*Steals parking spot from guy backing in* Him:*middle finger* Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU'RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED"

"What is it called when you throw a tin can into a recycling bin? A recycling TIN!"