117344

Joke of the Day

"[WARNING, spoilers ahead!] 1.) Storing milk at room temperature 2.) Grandparents 3.) Black people in a movie theatre"

"Me: ""Do you think it's strange to talk to yourself?"" Me: ""No."""

"[job interview] How did you lose your last job? ""I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future."" Sir, this is McDonald's."

"What is the worst place to have the ""you break it, you buy it"" rule? The pet store"

"What does an egg say to a pot of boiling water? It's gonna take me a while to get hard, I just got laid by this chick."

"BOSS: There's limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah"

"Did you know the bible was written by M. Night Shyamalan? The plot twist was crrraaazzy. Jesus was a jew the whole time"

"Laughter really is the best medicine... Except for diarrhea."

"I'm not racist because... I'm not a racist because racism is a crime, And crime is for blacks."

"I slept like a baby last night... I woke up every 15 minutes and then shat myself"