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Joke of the Day

"My roadside emergency kit is a black wig, a disco ball and a bottle of vodka. Might as well have fun while I wait to be murdered."

"When I'm drinking don't worry about taking my car keys. Just hide my phone."

"A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes."

"ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open WIFE: they don't say that, you're drunk ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here"

"Achilles thought his job interview was going well until they asked about his greatest weakness... Then he had to admit defeat."

"Goodnight computer *instantly grabs phone*"

"I'm not an alcoholic I just have a lot of things to celebrate."

"Never trust someone that wears colored contacts. They've already lied to you."

"What do you call a man with a colander on his head? COLIN! Duh!!!"

"Some random farmer stole all of my wheat. Talk about ill-gotten grains."