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Joke of the Day

"ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open WIFE: they don't say that, you're drunk ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here"

"Linguistics Student: ""What's a glottal fricative?"" ""*Heavy sigh*"""

"What do you call a magic owel? Hoo-Dini!"

"How do you know if someone is Puerto Rican? They tell you."

"Sure I'll join your Cause on Facebook...Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute..."

"When someone is murdered, they always investigate the spouse 1st. And that pretty much tells you everything you need to know about marriage."

"The first rule of flight club is.. ..turn the airplane on. & you should probably learn how to read."

"""Who watches this shit?"" - Me, watching shit"

"Can't imagine what's it like to have no imagination."

"A mugged turtle.. A turtle is crossing the road when he's mugged by two snails. When the police show up, they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle replies, ""I don't know. It all happened so fast."""