115460

Joke of the Day

"In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one's laughing now. I'm receiving treatment and everyone's been really supportive."

"I saw a homeless man sleeping and I thought to myself, ""What if you get mugged?"" So just to be safe, I took his guitar."

"Whats the definition of love true love and showing off? Spitting swallowing and gargling."

"How do you know which bear to talk to in a bar? You have to read ursine."

"What do you call a sexy cousin? 87.5% unrelated. (Shamelessly stolen from [Two Guys and Guy](http://www.twogag.com/archives/3023))"

"""My phone's about to die."" -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call."

"I've deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo."

"I have a really funny dick Girls laugh every time they see it."

"Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting. But no gorillas were shot on my watch."

"Do you know how many planets are in the solar system? 7, after I destroy Uranus."