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Joke of the Day

"If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don't even need to write ""No DMs"" in your bio."

"*boss walks in Me: I lost my contact Boss: Why are you naked & why is Greg under your desk? Me: Boss: Me: Shut the door when you leave"

"Neighbor's kid just asked me 2 fix his computer. I was gonna tell him 2 come back tomorrow but I saw the look of ""I need porn"" in his eyes."

"a pastor, a rapist and a pedophile walk into a bar. he orders a drink...."

"The minute I even contemplate wearing a white shirt, 11 jars of salsa fall from the sky and spill on it and then it catches on fire"

"What do you call a lesbian toilet. Gai Waterhouse."

"Roses are red, Violets are blue... I have Alzheimer's, Cheese on toast!"

"Sex ed. It's the in thing."

"How people think Brain: ""You're weird."" Body: ""and you're fat."" Face: ""plus you're pretty ugly"" Food: ""I'm here for you babe..."""

"Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears."