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Joke of the Day

"*boss walks in Me: I lost my contact Boss: Why are you naked & why is Greg under your desk? Me: Boss: Me: Shut the door when you leave"

"If you want to feel rich, just count the things you have that money can't buy."

"My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn't want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids"

"Airport security asked ""what's the purpose of your visit?"" So I said ""to terrorize the ladies!"" and we laughed and laughed and I'm being deported."

"You know you're in a shitty bar when the food is colder than your beer."

"I love engaging with brands on the Internet!"

"I've found a great 24-hour Indian restaurant It's my favorite nonstop naan-stop"

"What's a virgin's favorite Christmas song? ""Single Bells"""

"Whats the best part about a dead hooker The second hour is free"

"*installs google translate* *looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal* *finds half my tweets doing better than mine*"