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Joke of the Day

"Can't find my belt so I'll just need to get fatter."

"If you feel like your parents didn't hug you enough as a child then it's probably because they didn't really want you. Good talk."

"My dad always told me that people that curse are too dumb to say anything else... and i was like ""what the fuck does that mean?"""

"What happens when you eat fireworks? Your hair comes out in bangs."

"Teacher: Can anyone tell me how many seconds there are in a year? Pupil: 12 - 2nd January 2nd February...!"

"The phone rings, and Dad asks: What does the caller ID say? Mom: It's a private caller. Dad: Don't answer that. We only pick up for ranks Lieutenant Caller and higher."

"DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male's efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain [me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]"

"My girlfriend wanted me to include her more.. My girlfriend cuddled up to me and said ""I wish you would play with me like to do those video games"". So, I Dragon-punched her in the face."

"How many vampires does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, they prefer the dark."

"I heard a 7 year old tell this amazing joke the other day. What is Mario's favorite material? Denim denim denim! *musical*"